Dealing with Teenage Stepchildren

My now fiancée have live together for just over two years and she has 4 children.Her daughter and oldest son are now grown and flown but she has two boys of 9 and 16 whom I also parent. Having no children of my own, she has always understood the fact that I occasionally want some advise and help to maintain her parenting style whilst also keeping things stable for the boys. I also have standards of my own, good standards, and always hoped that they too would be taken into account and would improve things at home further for all of us. My SO has good standards but does not keep to them and when things slip significantly enough as to be impossible to overlook, any polite conversation with her about such matters usually ends up in her becoming ‘mummy bear’ and immediately, my thoughts and concerns are dismissed. It is almost as though when I see issues, she (and the boys) are blind to them. And my opinion matters not. It’s very hard to dismiss. Even harder to live with. I’m starting to feel like I don’t matter, being brushed off and scalded for even having an opinion. I am now at the point of wondering how long I can take it. I put in for everything and put myself last in most things when it comes to our family but in the case of the 16 year old, who is lazy, unhygienic, dismissive of house rules (with his mother’s backing), and who now wants to be a model (again with his mother’s backing) in his spare time, between day long bouts of laying in his room in amongst huge piles of his own filth and stench, with his blinds down and his lights blaring, I am beginning to feel agitated and unsure as to where to go with this. Usually things are good at home but somethings are always and regretfully overlooked. Consequence is an unknown word in this house and this bothers me greatly. This is NOT how I want to live but am powerless to change anything. I’ve tried everything I know to make things better, including understanding. Nothing works. Step dad will never get past mummy bear.

I recently married a man with a 18yo son and 13 yo daughter.My previous husband was KIA 15 years ago. We had 2 children who are now grown and on their on.Needless to say, they were raised to be respectful and responsible.Of course we had teenage problems, but nothing drastic.My present husband has raised his children.They rarely see their mother.So thier father feels bad for them and lets them get away with anything.They scream at each other then its over. In the beginning the 13yo and i had a great relationship. Now shes starting to push me, like she does her father.I love them, i just dont know what to do....

My step son who is 12, is displaying the same behaviors his father always has. The kid is not disrespectful, always looks me in the eye and says yes sir (Eddie Haskell deluxe) and never complies. He is down right lazy. Tried all forms of privilege restrictions , etc ect. He’s a slob , unhygienic and runs roughshod over his mother but with a certain finesse. I don’t want to split, but I’m at the point where this is not how I live nor do I want to facilitate this continuous cycle. Is it fair to put financial pressure on his mother ( I pay for 85% of everything for the last year, prior to that I paid 100% for the last 6 years) so that we pay equal shares and split all expenses or just walk away?

I have been with my now husband for 8 years. He has a daughter and a son from a past marriage. Their bio mother has had minimal contact with them over the 8 years. When we first got together, I was thrown into the role of being a parent, no children of my own, but with no support from my husband. The children manipulate him to do what they want and he lets them and sees no problem with it. I am the one to enforce house rules and respect. When I become upset over something, I am told that I am blowing things out of proportion or over reacting. The children do not communicate with me unless they want something. I try to engage them in family activities but am usually just ignored. My husband has been better about supporting me and backing me up but I feel like the damage is done and I don't know how to reverse it. I have started to detach myself from the children and even my husband. I feel like I am alone in the relationship and am an outsider to all three of them. I gave up the idea of starting a family of my own to help raise these children and feel like it was all for nothing. They can't even stand me let alone care for me. I am to the point that I don't want to try anymore and I hate myself for it.

I am writing to empathize with “Sad,” as she is telling my story with just a few differences. We only have my 2 children from my former marriage. My new partner has always struggled with her role as a Step Parent. The struggle of not being able to be a disciplinarian in her own household has almost destroyed our relationship and, at this point, driven my 17 yr old son away to stay exclusively with my ex. It has been next to impossible for her (my wife) to refrain from yelling at the children. We come from two totally different mind sets when dealing with kids. She is very “boomer” mentality of “children are to be seen and not heard” whereas, I am more “Gen X” and empowering the children (with boundaries). Because my tolerance for childlike behavior is much higher, I sometimes struggle with getting my children to stop arguing when I tell them to. When it isn’t “soon enough“ for her, she yells very loudly which, get their attention and they stop. This hasn’t made the kids respect her, it has made them resent her....My son refers to her as “psycho” and wants nothing to do with her. Although he is in counseling and I have been trying to help him through this tough time, he is steadfast in his decision and likes to say things like, “You chose her over me.” It hurts my heart and there are days when I don’t know how much I can take but, I am not going to let him dictate who I should or shouldn’t be with. It is only through talking with friends, reading books and, sites like these, I have come to realize what a common issue this is. I have even told him, he doesn’t have to have a relationship with her but, he will be respectful. He still refuses to meet in the middle. Mind you, his other parent lives in the center of town and he has much more freedom at her house than at ours. I try to take everyday, a little at a time and do my best to support my children and my partner. All the while, trying to maintain my own emotional state...I feel like I’m living a nightmare without any chance of escape. Hang in there girl, someday, it will get easier. I just remind myself, if I am treating my child with respect and support his feelings, I am being the best mother I can. Hoping, in time, he will realize that he doesn’t get to dictate the circumstances of my life. My heart feels like it is broken into a million pieces but, I remind myself, it won’t be like this forever. There is not nice way of putting it except, TEENAGERS SUCK!

So....I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have 3 kids. 2 girls now 17 and 14 which are his biological and my son 17 who is my biological.We both have done the best we could to blend our family. Taking things slow at first and always with the kids feelings at the forefront . When we met our kids were 7,7 and 4. We always made sure that the “discipline “ would fall on the biological parent. That being said I was the stay at home mom. My son lives with us all the time. Our 2 girls stay with us 51% of the time. I have made lunches, gone toalmost every school event , sat through hours of ice skating and drama club shows and my husband has done the same (and then some) for my son. Things have always been sort of challenging but nothing crazy. I always worry and try to make everything equal. From the ant of presents at Xmas to Easter baskets. I had a very strong bond with my eldest daughter and she had always just been ... easy. My son is pretty much the same with my husband. Some bumps in Jr High but nothing out of hand. Now my 13 yr old step daughter has gotten caught breaking into a church and had been posting crazy things on social media. Including day drinking and much much more. I have even encouraged and invited my husband ex over so that we could all get on the same page especially my husband and his ex with what do to for our daughter. We even had a discussion abt how she is going to try and use me as the excuse to not come to our nice home and that I’m this horrible person. It is if a switch has flipped in her and it is tearing my family and marriage apart. She is lying. She has started yelling at me and even facing off with me a 1am trying to take “our” (but my) dog away. I have not do I want any control over what she is allowed to do but she just all of a sudden hates me. She sent me a text from her sister’s phone saying I’m the most toxic person in her life. This is my little girl that every year we cut down our Xmas tree, that I have taken to pet puppies and shopping. Now she just wants to use me as the excuse to stay by her moms where she can get away with everything and I am heartbroken. She says she never wants to see me again or my son. Her stepbrother , who has been so sweet to her trying to make her happy here. My husband is trying to balance his ex not doing the rules, his daughter being crazy and me being upset. I don’t know if we can weather this and I’m actually afraid of her. Not that she would hurt me but if the lies. There is so much more but I feel Bad for my son. He feels hurt and revered and doesn’t understand why she wants to hurt him. I just feel alone. I feel alone and scared for my little girl who I live so much . The harder I try to help and make things right worse things seem to get .i hate that I feel like a failure when I feel like I be worked so hard to make things nice , even at time sacrificing my own sons needs so that the girls are happy.

So....I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have 3 kids. 2 girls now 17 and 14 which are his biological and my son 17 who is my biological.We both have done the best we could to blend our family. Taking things slow at first and always with the kids feelings at the forefront . When we met our kids were 7,7 and 4. We always made sure that the “discipline “ would fall on the biological parent. That being said I was the stay at home mom. My son lives with us all the time. Our 2 girls stay with us 51% of the time. I have made lunches, gone toalmost every school event , sat through hours of ice skating and drama club shows and my husband has done the same (and then some) for my son. Things have always been sort of challenging but nothing crazy. I always worry and try to make everything equal. From the ant of presents at Xmas to Easter baskets. I had a very strong bond with my eldest daughter and she had always just been ... easy. My son is pretty much the same with my husband. Some bumps in Jr High but nothing out of hand. Now my 13 yr old step daughter has gotten caught breaking into a church and had been posting crazy things on social media. Including day drinking and much much more. I have even encouraged and invited my husband ex over so that we could all get on the same page especially my husband and his ex with what do to for our daughter. We even had a discussion abt how she is going to try and use me as the excuse to not come to our nice home and that I’m this horrible person. It is if a switch has flipped in her and it is tearing my family and marriage apart. She is lying. She has started yelling at me and even facing off with me a 1am trying to take “our” (but my) dog away. I have not do I want any control over what she is allowed to do but she just all of a sudden hates me. She sent me a text from her sister’s phone saying I’m the most toxic person in her life. This is my little girl that every year we cut down our Xmas tree, that I have taken to pet puppies and shopping. Now she just wants to use me as the excuse to stay by her moms where she can get away with everything and I am heartbroken. She says she never wants to see me again or my son. Her stepbrother , who has been so sweet to her trying to make her happy here. My husband is trying to balance his ex not doing the rules, his daughter being crazy and me being upset. I don’t know if we can weather this and I’m actually afraid of her. Not that she would hurt me but if the lies. There is so much more but I feel Bad for my son. He feels hurt and revered and doesn’t understand why she wants to hurt him. I just feel alone. I feel alone and scared for my little girl who I live so much . The harder I try to help and make things right worse things seem to get .i hate that I feel like a failure when I feel like I be worked so hard to make things nice , even at time sacrificing my own sons needs so that the girls are happy.

Recently, my husband of 7 years (relationship in total 10) is struggling with his role as step father to my 13, going on 30, daughter.My ex-husband has been a active father all of her life.Last school year it was decided by her, myself and her dad, with the support of my husband and his wife, to have her live with her dad so she can go to a better school.The decision, in all honesty, was really hard for me and my husband.We felt that our daughter was conflicted with the decision but her father is persuasive and her step mother can be pushy.Since her move, there has been a growing divide between my husband and my daughter.He remarks often about how she was as a toddler and I know a part of him misses the silly little bug she once was.My daughter has said that it makes her feel bad about growing up when he memorializes her younger years.I've tried to help him but I'm not sure how. Suggestions would be appreciated.

When I met my now husband, he had a daughter who was 8 years old. Her biological mother stopped seeing her when she was 5 even though she lived 15 minutes away. The mom had a new baby with her current boyfriend, so my husband had their daughter full time and raised her for years with the help of his mom. I grew attached to his daughter instantly and it was obvious she longed for a mother figure. We married when she was 11 and I've been helping raise her as my own daughter. When his daughter was about 13, her biological mother suddenly wanted to see her but it was only once every 6 months kind of thing. After more than 8 years of no interest and now barely any, our daughter started showing more interest in this person who pretty much abandoned her. Now our daughter is 16 and sees her biological mother every few months. I show support in front of our daughter and do not say anything negative about her 'mother' but the attention she so strives for hurts me more than anything. I am the one with her every day for years, helping her through school, when shes sick, taking her to appointments, shopping for anything and everything, the list goes on and on, just like any good parent, but our daughter shows so much love and attention to this "mother", for what? I guess, there are no real answers, its natural in most ways but it doesn't stop it from hurting. I don't have a child of my own, I think of her as my own. Of course there is some jealous mixed in because I want the love that this other person is getting who doesn't deserve it. My husband doesn't understand so its hard to express what I am going through to him. I am writing because I have no one that understands or is going through what I am and it seems this place it somewhere people maybe can relate. that's all, thanks for 'listening'.

I’m a stepmother to a 14 year old boy. He’s been with me since 4. When he was little he used to cry when he had to go home to his mum. He stays with is from Tuesday to Friday but now he want to stay at weekends as well. His dad takes him a football Wednesday, Thursday night and Sat and Sunday, now it going to be Monday nights as well. His mum never takes him. I’m feeling like where do I fit in. He stayed with usTuesday went home Wednesday and came straight back Thursday and stay Friday night. He’s out until 10pm then coming in getting in shower Xbox I can’t relax. I work hard all week but went with it knowing he would go home Saturday and we could have a night to ourself with some peace but then he asked if he could stay again his dad said yes because I understand it’s difficult but I said no. I was so looking forward to one night alone with peace without having to get up at 5:30 for work. I feel terribly guilty everyone was upset. Why don’t his mum tell him to come home so it don’t put us in this position? Is that wrong?

Since my step daughter started grown up who is coming up to 13. I have been part of her life since she was 5. I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with her and get very frustrated with her. Now my other half had now walked out on me with all the kids. As it has got to much for her. Which I have 2 with

I am married and have 2 stepkids. The daughter who is 15 in the last 8 months has become impossible to live with, she lie's to her mother to get her own way. When I tried to discipline her for treating me so horrible and back talking she told her mom a whole different story, told her Mom she couldnt live in our house any more, that she wanted to live with her Aunt, so my wife took both kids the daughter who is 15, and son who is 12 and are allowing them to live with the rich aunt, now the kids have servants, are allowed to run the streets, they refuse to come back home. My wife is now treating me like I am the problem, when all I do is work 60 hours a week to provide a new 400K house with pool. My wife is now staying at the sisters because he can't be without her kids, she doesnt have it in her to discipline her children. I am losing on every front, for 7 years I helped raise these kids, now they are teenagers they have decided they will not abide by our house rules, there mother lets them dictate where they will live, they are refusing to come home, thus putting us closer to divorce. I don't know what to do. How do I deal with the rich sister, wanting the kids to stay with her, now my wife, I am just befuddled on what to do.

I have known my step child for 7 years now and her dad alway assumes I will do everything for her. He gets upset when I put my foot down stating that is I have no clue what is going on till the last minute then I am not doing it. His daughter is 15 and they both have cell phones and yet I am still the last to know what is going on even when I ask that morning. He always says that he didn’t think it was a big deal since I didn’t have anything going on. He never jumps down his baby mommas throat to help w their daughter but yet he does it to me all the time.

Hi I am 29 and my girlfriend is 39, she has a son and a daughter, now her son is 14 and her daughter is 8, we have a son together and my son is 7 months, the real dad leaves 5 mins away from our house and i have been noticing the 14 year old attitude has started changing, with his baby brother he talks rude to the brother and says it as a joke to him that why does his breath smell when he is only a baby, i have noticed the 14 year old has started talking back to his mum and i feel like he is trying to take over as in been a man of the house, he does some things that is very stupid sometimes example we had a broken ironing board leg by our storage room and he started playing with it and dropped it downstairs. i then said to him really did he have to drop that and why is he holding it in the first place he then answered back to me with why can't i hold it which was a very stupid answer, i even had a big argument with the mum the other day who is my girlfriend and said i have to be calm, i do not put my fingers on the kids i tell them off and i feel like i cant be the man of the house due to this child. i just don't know what to do anymore, there are times the daughter is annoying but i can deal with her but the son i just don't know anymore.

My stepdaughter is 17 and I’ve been with her dad over four years. The problem is, he is very mellow and let’s her get away with a lot of attitude and discipline, and I’m left feeling very disrespected. She is here every other week, and when she is here the house is extremely chaotic and I’m left feeling like it’s not even my house. I bite my tongue and keep quiet and go to him with the issues that bother me, but then he gets angry and says I’m being “too hard” on her and he feels in the middle. Please help!

I a Stepchild of a Marine, and we live on a military base. usually, I'm fine with him. I follow the rules, I do my chores, and I do normal things a teen SHOULD do. However, there are those days where He just seems to Hate me. He gets on my nerves, and he usually has this 'Talk' With me almost every day how I should respect my mother, But I DO!! I Help her, I don't disrespect her, and, in fact, the only time I've talked back was going through a depression a couple years ago. apparently, when I'm in a bad mood, I have to say 'Yes Sir' or 'Yes' instead of 'Okay'. I'm at the end of my Sanity with this Stepparent. Help?????

@Sarah. Completely feel for you. There's not much you can do but weather the storm. Most teenage kids are the same but it feels different though when it's not your own. Speak to hubby and try to sort the matter out with him. I went through this with my own daughter. The issue is that I've sorted all the rebellion problems out with her and now I have met someone who has two teenage daughters who are giving me the same hell. LOL.

I have been with my husband for 14 years. He has a 17 year old daughter whose life I have been in. She was living with her mother until 3 years ago when he got custody. Things were good until after she turned 16. I went from being mom to being Sarah. And when she doesn’t like when I question her she curses at me. She’s very disrespectful and sometimes I think I am going to have to call the police on her. My husband drives trucks and is gone for 3 weeks at a time. Help please. I’m at the end of my rope.

@Grandma - can't you step in to help look after your grandson? It seems someone needs to if his father won't. His father sounds as selfish as the wicked step-mother, sorry to say.

I’m trying to find a self-help book for my 46 yr old son to read, but can’t find anything that might address his truly special set of problems. He has a very sensitive, depressed,16 yr old son who has been through so much.His mother left them when he was approx 8 yrs old; and he has cried like a baby every time she has to leave after a visit.She left him with his dad out of guilt.She took her 2 older sons with her, from a different father. My son then dated and married a narcissist 4 years ago, who clearly has never been able to treat his son (my grandson) with love or respect.She clearly favored her younger daughter over him, even though my son treated the children the same. She was unfair & hateful, in every way possible, to put it lightly.My son was easily convinced by her that the son was in the wrong, not her.And that she was only trying to “make him stronger”.She admittedly doesn’t like children, barely even her own, and BOTH of their bedtimes was still 8 pm!(Even at 10 & 14 years old!).My clueless son was in love and didn’t want to fail at a 2nd marriage.We found out too late, around 2-3 years ago,that my grandson was cutting...both arms all the way up and down.They tried counseling...she went one time & refused to go back.My workoholic son took his son anyway, but only around once a month.I don’t think they even go anymore The hatred grew between the evil step mother & my precious grandson, until finally 1–1/2 yrs ago after returning home after the summer with his mother in a different state; she started verbally bullying as usual, and for the 1st time ever he broke loose and screamed all the hateful things he had ever wanted to say for the past 5 years.I should make it clear that he never had never talked back before, out of fear.He lost cell privileges all the time for things like not eating all his vegetables, or leaving the bedroom light on. She decided he was a danger to her daughter and kicked my son and grandson out of “their home” in to an apartment!They’ve lived there for going on 2 years; my grandson is basically raising himself, as my son spends all his spare time with her, working on her home improvements, and spending the couple nights a week with her, that he doesn’t have to work at his 2nd shift job.There is no one home to drop my grandson off at a friends house, or work or school when needed.He can’t get his license because no one is there to help him get his driving hours in.I could go on and on.My son refuses to talk about any of it... she has him convinced that WE are the narcissists who just want to control his life.Grandson wants to go live with his mom, who has no money or even a house.She lives in a crowded house with her girlfriend.My son is trying to make everyone happy, but clearly doesn’t understand why his son does not feel loved.I’m so sorry to go on & on.Is there any hope?Or help?

@Thinking of calling- ...it off, perhaps? It's probably not a good idea to get married if you can't resolve this issue and you are already arguing about your SS. Think about how you'll argue about it when you're married. If you can't get on with the kids save yourself a lot of anger and heartache and don't marry the parent.

My fiancee has a 16yr son. Who is very disrespectful to not only me but his mother. Neither mom or dad really make him mind. He is very disrespectful to me and instead of my fiancee making him mind we end up fighting or not speaking for days after. I was rsised with respected and discipline. I raised my daughter the same way. This kid is lazy disrespectful smart mouth brat. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I wouldnt stand for it. I'm at my wits end!

@JTV65 Thank you so much for your response. It is incredibly helpful to hear from a male/father who has experience with spouses/children/step-children. He is going to a therapist today and seems committed to addressing these issues and also says he is going to insist his boys go as well after he has had a few sessions. I don't think any of the 3 of them have coping skills for change- I'm hoping this helps. I loved his boys and really thought I did my best to make them happy and comfortable- cooking what they liked, cleaning their rooms, going to their games. I was just hurt that they would insist he leave me (and my kids, including an 8 year old) and even more hurt that he didn't stand up for me- we were married. Best of luck with your issue- and again- thank you for the advice. I am open to all of it!

@AmIcrazy? - It's all about compromise on both sides. It seems you are in a really tricky position - but it sounds like you have done the right thing and it has given him time to think and reflect. You have to understand also that these are his sons and he probably feels guilty enough as it is. I know - I've been there. A lot of men just really want to keep the peace.....they don't want aggro. He's not keeping the conversation from you because he is acting duplicitously...... he will just not want to rock the boat or upset you further. We are simple creatures really - made more complicated by circumstance. I have a problem with my ex's step-daughter (which is what has brought me to this page)..But let him have the time with his boys, don't be jealous (it can't be a me or them situation - if it is you will always be unhappy and resentful). Keep away from his kids if you don't like them and let him get on with fathering his sons, he has a right to do that. If you love him, stay in his life. He's just trying to be a father and coping with a situation that he's probably not designed to be able to cope with and muddling his own way through it, like we all are. Regards, John.

@Izzy80 - I did end up leaving with my kids and we are back in separate houses. He is determined to go to therapy (now that I've left) and 'try to find a balance.' He say's he is devastated that we are apart but he keeps our conversations secret from his boys.I am hurt and angry that he didn't stand up to them for me and for us but at this point it is either have a completely separate relationship with just him or cut it off all together.I love him but I don't know how we can ever move forward with these issues. #1- they way his kids act and call the shots and #2- the fact that he will play into it and leave me out in the cold.

@AmIcrazy??? I think I'd be telling my husband that he can spend as long as he likes with his sons because you're outta there. I can understand that he may feel torn, guilty and all the rest, but there is no need to take it out on you and your kids. He's not being very supportive and is almost choosing sides. A little separation might be better - you don't have to ditch the relationship fully, just have two separate ones, you with your kids, him with his.

I moved to another city with my 3 children to be with and marry my husband. His 2 teenage sons, now 17 and 18, decided they would not be a part of it and after living with him for 10 years, moved to their mothers. They basically told him to either leave me or they would not be a part of his life aside from dinner once a week. They have no rules or boundaries, neither parent disciplines and there are no consequences for smoking pot, lying, skipping school, bad grades, speeding tickets etc. My husband is convinced that he ruined their lives by marrying me and that they act this way because they are so emotionally distraught over not having their father to themselves. If they were my kids (my kids would never act this way)- I would not tolerate it and there would be accountability. Instead, my husband apologizes to them, gives them spending money and begs for their love. Little by little the resentment towards me and my kids is building- he seems angry that mine are here and his are not. He told me recently that we won't be able to spend holidays together going forward b/c his boys don't want to be around my family so the 3 of them will make separate plans. Am I crazy??

I've been married too my wife for a little over a year i have children from a previous relationship my daughter 10 years young and my son 12 year young and my wife has 3 children from a previous relationship her two boys 18 and 19 years old and her daughter 14 years old... And i see that my stepdaughter is a handful she doesn't like too listen too mr at all and from what im being told my wife did say that her biological father raised her so she didn't have too listen to anyone and not respect her mom

@Chrissy - but what can you do? How can you prevent it when they are in the same school together. Lilly.

My step-children are 12 and 14. My 14 year old took drugs from someone in school to get rid of them for her. Her mother thinks it's okay for these two to still hang together and we have forbid her from hanging out with her again. So now she is doing it behind our backs. Are we being unreasonable for not wanting her to hang out with someone who brought drugs to school?