Supporting Your Spouse in Their Role as Stepparent

When a parent makes the choice to marry, they must be ready to offer support to their spouse in order to help them to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with the children. Kids naturally need a bit of time to adjust to the changes in their families, but are likely to follow the lead of their natural parents, so forming a united front and providing an example of respectful inclusion is vital.

Establishing Household Rules

Children (like the rest of us) are creatures of habit and as such, they may resent some of the inevitable changes that occur when one of their parents remarries, especially if they will be living in, rather than merely visiting, the household with the new stepparent. Changes in the household rules are likely to be the most difficult for them to accept, but the adults in the home need to be obeyed and respected.

Before implementing any changes, the adults should decide together what, if any, adjustments need to be made regarding chores, curfews, television watching limits, schoolwork expectations, friend visits, and others such topics. If it is decided that the rules need to be amended, the couple can then sit down with the children to discuss the newly established household rules. It is important that the guidelines (and disciplinary measures for refusal to comply) are the same for all of the kids in the household to avoid any feelings that some children may be receiving preferential treatment, and it may be wise to make changes gradually to help ease everyone’s adjustment.

Providing Back-Up during Conflicts

It is the rare (non-existent, really) household that doesn’t experience at least the occasional conflict, but some stepparents find that the difficulties may be greater with their step children than with their natural children. It’s not uncommon for step kids to get their feelings hurt more easily than natural children as they may assume that their stepparents do not feel the same depth of love for them that they do for their own, so stepfamilies must make every effort to keep things fair and even – and step parents should take the time to tell their step children how much they are cared for. When conflicts do arise, the natural parent can often help to smooth things over by backing their spouse up and presenting a united front.

Taking Responsibility for Joint Decisions

While both adults in the house make the rules, it is often left to the natural parent to shoulder the responsibility (and the grief from the children) to see that the rules are obeyed. It’s important for the kids to understand that new rules aren’t merely the result of their step parent’s influence, but have been discussed and agreed upon by both authority figures in the home. Sometimes kids have a tendency to look for a place to assign blame for their distress, and unfortunately, a step parent can be a handy target.

Making Time for Family Fun

Newly formed families may require some time to adjust to one another, and one of the best ways to encourage loving, lasting bonds is for the parents to make time to participate in fun activities with the children. Sharing special meals, playing games, and going on outings as a family gives everyone time to get to know one another without pressure, which can help to minimise family conflict. As in all family units, positive experiences can help cushion the hard feelings that are bound to crop up every now and then.